Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:24:58 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:24:58 GMT 8
Canon
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And th ese twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand, very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted .........
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:28:46 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:28:46 GMT 8
25 Inch Long
There once was a guy with a 25 inch thingy. Of course he was having problems getting any because it was simply too long.
So he goes to a doctor and asks him if there is anything he can do.
The doctor says, "Well, there is a medical procedure for that but it'll cost you about $10,000."
The guy replies, "But I don't have that kind of money and I really need to get this taken care of."
So the doctor says, "Well, there is an old local myth that says if you go down to the lake and ask a certain frog to marry you, your thingy will shrink five inches every time it says no."
Since the guy cannot possibly afford the money for the operation, he heads down to the lake. After spending about half an hour asking every frog in sight if it would marry him, he asks this one frog sitting on a rock, "Frog, will you marry me?"
Suddenly the frog opens it's mouth and says, "No."
The guy feels something move in his pants and when he looks down, his thingy is 20 inches! 20 inches is obviously still too big so once again the guy asks, "Frog, will you marry me?"
Once again the frog says, "No."
The guy looks down and his thingy is now 15 inches. One more time and everything will be perfect the guy thinks to himself. So one last time, he asks the frog if it will marry him.
The frog replies, "How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, no!"
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:31:27 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:31:27 GMT 8
No Ears
Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me? And she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin' ears!"
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:34:58 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:34:58 GMT 8
The Chicken At The Movies
A man approached the window of a movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder and asked for two tickets.
"Who's the other ticket for?" the ticket girl asked.
"For my pet chicken." He said, pointing to the bird.
"I'm sorry," the girl tells him, "but we don't allow animals in the theater."
The man walked around the corner of the building, and stuffed the chicken into his pants. He returned to the ticket window and bought a ticket, entered the theater, and sat down.
The chicken started to get too hot, so the man, figuring it was okay because it was dark to unzipped his pants and let the chicken stick its head out.
The woman seated next to him looked down in horror. She nudged her friend Amanda and whispered, "Amanda! This man next to me just unzipped his pants!"
Amanda replied, "Oh, don't worry about it. Just ignore him. If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
The woman whispered back, "I know, I know, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:39:15 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:39:15 GMT 8
Back In Texas
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen. The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:42:46 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:42:46 GMT 8
Sunbathing
A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bikini. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there.
She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered, little assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight."
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:46:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:46:10 GMT 8
Baby's Leg
A man, who is rather fat with a big tummy, wore a bathrobe and went to shower after a swim. In the toilet, there was an old lady scrubbing the floor. After the man had his bath, he came out and accidentally, hooked his bathrobe to a screw on the wall. The bathrobe came off and he was exposed. The old lady, having very poor vision, saw him, think he is a pregnant woman and said, "Mdm, I think your baby's leg is out..."
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Jazz
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Jul 23, 2010 0:55:54 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:55:54 GMT 8
China Bumkin Girl p55
A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went into a worldwide message centre wanting to send an urgent, important message to her mother in China. The Italian guy at the counter told her it would cost around US$100/=. She exclaimed, ' I don't have that kind of money, but I will do anything to get a message to my mother in China! The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked, really anything? ' ' Yes, I promise...anything ! She said.
With that, the Italian said, ' Follow me.' He led her to the next room and said, ' Come in and close the door. ' ' Get down on your knees ! He ordered. She did. "Unzip me!" He said and she did. Then he said, " Go on...take it out." She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly. The Italian closed his eyes and whispered, "Go ahead girl, what are you waiting for?" Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips closer and ...........................
.................. said loudly, "Hello....hello Ah Mah !!!..Can you hear me?" ...........
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