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Mar 20, 2009 20:59:38 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:59:38 GMT 8
About Muthu*MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*Interviewer : "What is your birth date?" Muthu : "13th October." Interviewer : "Which year?" Muthu : "Every year." ***** * MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*The Manager asked Muthu at an interview.... "Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?" Muthu replied: "P-O-S-T-B-O-X." ***** * MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, "Do I look like a foreigner?" Wife: "No! Why?" Muthu : "In London, a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'... that's why." Wife : ***** *MUTHU & TOURIST*A tourist from U.S.A. asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village... and Muthu said .. "No sir, only babies were born here." ***** *MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to "WALK! WALK!" The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked. Then he cut off the third leg and did the same. Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk! But the cockroach didn't walk. Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, "I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf." ***** *MUTHU & DRIVER*When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror. Muthu shouted, "You are trying to see my wife, eh? Sit in the back. I will drive." ***** * MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin. Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin. Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing. Muthu pointed towards the signboard "*WASH BASIN* " ***** *MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?" Muthu: "It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination." ***** *Oh........ The Funniest...* At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why Because a lady journalist with a badge which read "*PRESS*" pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... and he did it!
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Mar 24, 2009 9:54:45 GMT 8
Post by MasQueRade on Mar 24, 2009 9:54:45 GMT 8
And That's When The Fight Started
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the > dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. > > I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a > torrential downpour. > > The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the > radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. > > I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. > > I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and > whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' > > My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is > out fishing in that?' > And then the fight started ... > > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" > > It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I > haven't been in a long time!" she said. > > So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" > > And that's when the fight started.... > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. > > Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. > > The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy > nuts. That must be my husband!' > > So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He > smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as > fast as he could go. > > A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at > the woman, 'I AM your husband!' > > The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' > > And then the fight started..... > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. > > Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $27.95. > > I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream and it's cheaper. > > And then the fight started.... > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy > with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat > and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's d**n near perfect.' > > And then the fight started..... > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order > first. > > "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." > > He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" > > Nah, she can order for herself." > > And then the fight started... > > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept > staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby > table. > > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking > right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been > sober since.' > > 'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating > that long?' > > And then the fight started... > > -------------- > > After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social > Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to > verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at > home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home > and come back later. > > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my > curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough > for me' and she processed my Social Security application. > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social > Security office. > > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten > disability, too.' > > And then the fight started... > > ----------------- > > When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace > expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. > > And then the fight started... > > --------------- > > My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. > > She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 > seconds.' > > I bought her a scale. > > And then the fight started... > > --------------- > > My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She > asked, 'What's on TV?' > > I said, 'Dust.' > > And then the fight started...
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Mar 24, 2009 9:59:29 GMT 8
Post by MasQueRade on Mar 24, 2009 9:59:29 GMT 8
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Mar 24, 2009 14:54:48 GMT 8
Post by MasQueRade on Mar 24, 2009 14:54:48 GMT 8
The Hypnotist Accident
The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance and participation at their regular meetings. One member suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed, a famous hypnotist was hired, publicity distributed, and everyone was pleased.
A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the town's people sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket watch. The hypnotist began chanting... "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist's fingers slipped and the watch fell to the floor...
"nuts" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the town hall.
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Mar 25, 2009 14:23:24 GMT 8
Post by MasQueRade on Mar 25, 2009 14:23:24 GMT 8
Table Manner
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
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Mar 26, 2009 21:14:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:14:10 GMT 8
Fastest Man
Three boys are in the school's yard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says, "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."
The second boy says, "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet."
The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm."
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Mar 26, 2009 21:17:41 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:17:41 GMT 8
[glow=red,2,300]Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK : [/glow]
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.................. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'
The case was dismissed.........!!!
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Mar 26, 2009 21:20:19 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:20:19 GMT 8
A Blondie's Secret
At a dinner party several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," huffily answered a blondie guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so," responded the blondie. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
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Mar 26, 2009 21:24:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:24:20 GMT 8
In A Minute
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the sky.
He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to god.
"God" he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, its about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, its a penny."
The man then asked,"God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
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Mar 26, 2009 21:27:11 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:27:11 GMT 8
Termination Without Cause
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?" "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?"
"Can you see the crompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. "Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?" "No"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?" "Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't."
"No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage."
"A power....A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the box and manuals and packing stuff you computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too s***** to own a computer!"
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Mar 26, 2009 21:30:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:30:18 GMT 8
Men Rules
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now the men say: These are our rules! Please note, they are all numbered "1" for a purpose!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday + Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like film stars.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during adverts.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, drinking, or cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
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Mar 26, 2009 21:31:49 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:31:49 GMT 8
What is Marketing ? _ 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing. _ 2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising. _ 3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing. _ 4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations. _ 5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..." That's Brand Recognition. _ 6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!
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Mar 26, 2009 21:34:03 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:34:03 GMT 8
Rejected Hallmark Cards
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:... -- What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!... -- Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you.... -- have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love... -- After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life... -- I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... -- that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me... -- Like the need for therapy."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!... -- I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. -- You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married... -- but not to you."
"You look great for your age... -- Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... -- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... -- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time... -- What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you... -- It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... -- Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... -- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
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Mar 26, 2009 21:35:15 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:35:15 GMT 8
A loving McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:
"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.
The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.
There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife.
Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.
The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.
After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"
She answered,
"THE TEETH"
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Mar 26, 2009 21:37:54 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:37:54 GMT 8
Geenie In A Bottle
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?” “Uh...yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied.
“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes.
I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,” I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”
“No problem,” said the genie. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.” I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.
“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!” “And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”
The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”
“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. “I’d do the same for you!” So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked “How old are you and your husband?”
“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly. “NO KIDDING? Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies....
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Mar 26, 2009 21:49:54 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:49:54 GMT 8
Negotiation Skills
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't! " exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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Mar 26, 2009 21:55:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 21:55:07 GMT 8
[glow=red,2,300]A lesson about blood flow and circulation[/glow]
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty."
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Mar 26, 2009 22:56:11 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 22:56:11 GMT 8
Mayonnaise
Okay so a guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years old.
One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
She screams.
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!
PULL IT OUT!!!
PULL IT OUT NOW!!!
I can't get pregnant! Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*!
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Mar 26, 2009 22:59:40 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 26, 2009 22:59:40 GMT 8
Kancil Is Much More Faster Than A EVO
One day, an uncle was driving on the highway in his CLK (cute little kancil)when the engine started to choke. He quickly stop the car by the side just in time before the engine died off. So, the uncle open the hood and see la. Just a few minutes after, a young man was cruising in his Mitsubishi Lancer Evo 8 on the same highway. He quickly spotted the broken down kancil with the uncle standing beside it alone. Being a kind man, he pulled over right in front of the kancil to offer help. Having very little engineering skills, the young man couldn't fix the problem. The man then came up with a brilliant idea. He told the uncle that he has a cable in his boot and offered to tow the kancil to the next toll house where he could get help. The uncle agreed to that idea. The uncle also added that if he feels that they are moving too fast, he would flash the young man and also use the horn. So, the young man secured the kancil to the back of his Evo using the cable.
And so, the young man drove off pulling the kancil behind it. At times when they were moving too fast, the uncle would give the man a horn. After driving for a while, a loud engine roar approach from the back. a ferrari was approaching the 2 cars. As the ferrari came up beside the them, it gave a loud engine rev to challenge the Evo. With the flame of youth burning in him, the evo driver downshift can rocket off chasing the ferrari while totally forgeting about the kancil tied to him. Just up ahead on the highway, a couple of police officers were performing a speed trap. They suddenly hear loud engine roars followed by turbo blow offs sounds approaching them.
Vrrrooooommm...........kepish kepish......
After recording the speed, one of the police officer quickly used the radio to contact the others setting a roadblock up ahead.
Over over... this is checkpoint 1 calling checkpoint 2. Do u read?! There are currently 3 street racers heading your way at over 240km/h!!! The first car is a red Ferrari, you can't miss it. Following closely behind is a white Lancer Evo!!! For the third car, you're not going to believe this. It's white kancil. I repeat, it's a kancil. It's drifting very closely behind the Lancer Evo. Not only that, the driver seems to be flashing high beams towards the Evo while applying horn to tell him to move away. I think it's going to overtake the Evo at the next bend...!!!
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Jazz
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Mar 30, 2009 21:14:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:14:35 GMT 8
Would you please move your cars?
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may being plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class."
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Jazz
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Mar 30, 2009 21:16:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:16:14 GMT 8
Goalkeeper
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
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Jazz
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Mar 30, 2009 21:20:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:20:14 GMT 8
Restaurant Jokes
Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Diner: Do you serve chicken here? Waiter: Sit down, Sir. We serve anyone
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Jazz
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Mar 30, 2009 21:23:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:23:05 GMT 8
Eye of the Lord
A guy enters confessional and says to the priest with guilt, "I had an affair...almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean ’almost?’"
The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."
"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest.
"For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $20 in the poor box."
The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.
The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that’s the same as putting it in."
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Mar 30, 2009 21:24:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:24:44 GMT 8
Want to bribe your professor...Read this first...
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
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Mar 30, 2009 21:26:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 30, 2009 21:26:20 GMT 8
About Marriage...
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings": * The Engagement Ring * The Wedding Ring * The Suffe-Ring * The Endu-Ring
Married life is full of excitement and frustration: * In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. * In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. * In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell for her.
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
A husband is living proof that a woman can take a joke.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -- Agatha Christie
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