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Mar 7, 2009 22:22:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 7, 2009 22:22:05 GMT 8
Wealthy Man
One afternoon, a wealthy man was riding in the back of his limo when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the wealthy man.
"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!"
"Bring them along!" replied the wealthy man. He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."
"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!" answered the wealthy man as he headed for his limo
They all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The wealthy man replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."
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Mar 7, 2009 22:29:39 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 7, 2009 22:29:39 GMT 8
Ah Beng
(Act 1) Ah Beng calls the telephone operator: Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?" Operator: "Just a minute..." Ah Beng: "Thank you." Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.
(Act 2) At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?" Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."
(Act 3) After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said. "FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked. Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".
(Act 4) Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'." The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!" Host : "Quiet please." Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, I don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!" (milk in Hokkien)
(Act 5) Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support. Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me...."
(Act 6) In the class. Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?" Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother." Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?" Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'."
(Act 7) Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?" Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"
(Act 8 ) Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in
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Mar 7, 2009 22:35:55 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 7, 2009 22:35:55 GMT 8
Tech Support
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name," was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L" Another technical problem solved.
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Mar 9, 2009 23:32:43 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 9, 2009 23:32:43 GMT 8
Shut-up
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him in !
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Three Children
A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward.
One day the hubby got suspicious and asked : " Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ? "
" Yes, dear, " replied the wife, " ...... but the other two are not. "
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Qualities of a Wife
When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities ----- She is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed. After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order anymore. She becomes an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.
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Wishing Well
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned immediately. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said : " Gosh ! It really works! "
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Plain Lazy
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, " Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English ---- what is wrong with me ? "
" Well, in plain English ", the doctor replied, " you're just lazy. "
" Okay, " said the man. " Now give me the really complicated medical term so that I can tell my wife. "
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Wedding Anniversary
I asked my wife : " Where do you want to go on our anniversary ? " She said : " Oh ! Somewhere I have never been before ! " I told her : " How about the kitchen ? "
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The Marriage is ..
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
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Happiest Hour
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, " Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour? " The hubby replied : " Yes, honey, that was indeed the happiest hour of my married life. "
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[glow=red,2,300]Holding Hands [/glow]
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops !
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Mar 9, 2009 23:34:41 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 9, 2009 23:34:41 GMT 8
[glow=red,2,300]Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....[/glow]
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fif! th grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!!
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Mar 9, 2009 23:37:01 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 9, 2009 23:37:01 GMT 8
Before & After
Before marriage. Darling here.. darling there... After marriage. Baling here... baling there..
Before marriage. . I die for you. . . After marriage. "You die la, up to you. "
Before marriage. . You go anywhere. . I follow you. After marriage. . . You go anywhere. . up to you. Lagi lama married. . . You go anywhere la, better get lost!!
Before wedding you are my heart, you are my love" After wedding "you get on my nerves. "
Before wedding "you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella" After wedding "you are worse than godzila"
Before wedding Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you After wedding Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding Every dinner he brings you to Shangri-La After wedding You want to go, he says you wait-la
Before wedding She looks like Anita Sarawak After wedding Don't know whether katak or biawak
Before wedding Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's Hill After wedding Furthest you go is Maxwell Hill
Before wedding He opens the car door After wedding He opens his mouth and snores
Before wedding She / he was your ideal After wedding She / he becomes your ordeal
future hubbies...be careful... future wives...be aware.......................!!
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Mar 9, 2009 23:38:40 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 9, 2009 23:38:40 GMT 8
Man & Wife
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
Do you know the real reason Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years? A: Because even back then men wouldn't stop and ask for directions.
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Mar 9, 2009 23:40:16 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 9, 2009 23:40:16 GMT 8
Best Joke Award
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
*This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition in Britain *
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Mar 10, 2009 23:11:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 10, 2009 23:11:56 GMT 8
Blonde 1
The three finalists in the Women's Olympic swim meet were all novices to international competition. However, all had excelled during the early going, and after several heats the score was tied; the first match employing the breast stroke would decide the winner. The gun sounded, and the three young women dove into the water. Nancy finished first, crossing the pool in five seconds flat; Jean finished less than half a second later. Bringing up the rear was Mary, a blonde, who finished a full ten seconds after the others. As she completed the lap and climbed from the pool, she sputtered, "I protest! The other women were using their arms!"
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Mar 10, 2009 23:13:59 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 10, 2009 23:13:59 GMT 8
Blonde 2
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Mar 10, 2009 23:15:25 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 10, 2009 23:15:25 GMT 8
Bedroom Football
A guy comes home from the bar one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, "What was that?"
She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's lying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replied, "Half time, switch sides."
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Mar 10, 2009 23:16:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 10, 2009 23:16:45 GMT 8
Racehorse
A Man walks home from a long day at work only to get hit in the head with a frying pan by his wife.
In a Few hours, the man comes to, and he asks his wife, "What the f*ck was that all about?!"
His wife says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket that said Debbie with a phone number!"
The man explains" honey, that was my racehorse, Debbie! I went to the track yesterday and bet on her!"
The man's wife apologizes sincerely.
The next day, the man comes home from work to get a lamp broken on his head.
He says "what the f*ck was that for?!"
His wife says, "Your racehorse called!!!!!"
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Mar 10, 2009 23:18:00 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 10, 2009 23:18:00 GMT 8
Blackbox
An American girl, a French girl and an African girl are traveling in a plane. The plane is about to crash. The American girl puts on make-up. Everyone was curious. "Rescuers will save a beautiful girl first!" she said. The French girl opens her bra, "the rescuers will save a girl with beautiful breasts!" she said. Then the African girl removes her knickers and says "f*ck off, they always look for the black box first!"
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Mar 12, 2009 22:30:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 22:30:36 GMT 8
Something You Just Can't Explain
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
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Mar 12, 2009 22:43:51 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 22:43:51 GMT 8
Perfect Wedding Night
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said, "but you see, I have very smelly feet and I'm afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth." "I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked. "Not a word," her mother affirmed. "Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought. The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, my," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
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Mar 12, 2009 22:46:04 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 22:46:04 GMT 8
They Are In The Shower
A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?" "Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."
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Mar 12, 2009 23:01:48 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:01:48 GMT 8
No Arms
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
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Mar 12, 2009 23:04:01 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:04:01 GMT 8
Underwear
There was once a villager who got engaged to a girl from the neighboring village. One day he decided to walk there and visit his fiancée. So he asked his mum to go and buy some material to make him some new underwear since he had been wearing his for 3 months. His mum bought 5 meters and made two pairs for him with 2 meters leaving 3 meters spare. He put on his new underwear and his best kilt (skirt) and set off for the next village. When he was half way there, he needed to go to the toilet, and took off his underwear, and hung it on a tree so as not to dirty it. When he was done, he forgot to put his underwear back on. When he got to his fiancée’s house, he sat opposite her so as to show off his new underwear. The girl looked shocked. When the man saw her expression, he thought she was impressed with his new underwear, and said, "Do u like it? I have another 3 meters at home.
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Mar 12, 2009 23:07:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:07:20 GMT 8
Three Wishes
One day, an old woman was sitting in her rocking chair on her front porch. Beside her slept her mangy, old hound, Rex. Suddenly, a genie appeared, startling the old woman. "Old woman," the genie said, "I felt sorry for you sitting here looking old and tired, so I decided to grant you three wishes." The old woman thought about it and said, "Well, I've always wanted to be a young, beautiful princess." *Poof* The genie turned her into a young, beautiful princess. The princess thought some more and said, "A princess should live in a castle, so could you do something about this old shack?" *Poof* The old shack was tranformed into a huge castle. Again the princess thought then asked,"Shouldn't a beautiful princess have a handsome prince?" The genie looked around and spotted Rex. *Poof* Rex was transformed into a handsome Prince. "Well, my work here is done," the genie said and he disappeared in a puff of smoke. The princess gazed at Rex the handsome prince and felt heart beating rapidly for he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Rex, the handsome prince, strolled up the the beautiful princess and kissed her passionately. She melted in his arms and cried, "Take me Rex! Take me now!" Rex then whispered in her ear, "Bet you're sorry that you had me neutered now!"
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Mar 12, 2009 23:10:42 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:10:42 GMT 8
Oh Baby
The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her. When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . .well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret." The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man-- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . " The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes; yes!" "And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the door..." "Yes; yes!" "Would you help me move the refrigerator?
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Mar 12, 2009 23:15:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:15:05 GMT 8
Leroy
Three ladies all have separate husbands named Leroy. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy." The other two ladies agree. The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!" The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives. Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week." Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives. The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels." The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!" The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!
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Mar 12, 2009 23:17:58 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 12, 2009 23:17:58 GMT 8
Anything For $100
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house.
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Mar 14, 2009 22:12:04 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:12:04 GMT 8
Knicker
One day there was a 14 year old girl in a nice short skirt. A boy about 16 walked up to her and said, "I bet you can’t climb that tree". The girl replied, "Oh yes I can, watch". The girl climbed up the tree and the boy looked up her skirt. When she came down he said, "I like your knickers". The girl got upset and told her mum her mum said, "You silly girl you let him look up your skirt to see your knickers". The next day the girl wore an even shorter skirt the boy said to her again, "I bet you can’t climb that tree", pointing to a taller one. The girl climbed it and when she came down the boy never said nothing, he just looked very happy. The girl told her mum again her mum said, "You silly girl you showed him your knickers again". The girl replied, "No I tricked him this time, I didn’t wear any ".
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Mar 14, 2009 22:13:34 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:13:34 GMT 8
Outside Knocking
A young man had met a nice young woman. They both liked each other and thought the time was right.
Both of them got naked and the man lay on top of her. Before pushing his d*ck in he waited. Meanwhile his d*ck was having a conversation with his balls.
D*ck: OK lads we are going to a party tonight. 1st Ball: You mean you are. D*ick: What do you mean, you’re invited too. 2nd Ball: Yeh, but you always leave us outside knocking.
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Mar 14, 2009 22:15:42 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:15:42 GMT 8
Dog Style
There are three pregnant women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead all sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. To break the silence the brunette says "apparently the position you do when you have sex determines the sex of the baby, I was on top so I'm having a boy". The redhead then adds "Well I was underneath so that means I'm having a girl". The blonde then says worryingly "Oh sh*t, I'm having puppies".
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