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Apr 7, 2009 22:13:03 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:13:03 GMT 8
The story begins....
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day....
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:16:38 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:16:38 GMT 8
Comfort in Friendship:
"Friends" are like underwear; always a comfort... "Good friends" are like condoms; always protecting... "Great friends" are like viagra; lift you up when you're down ...
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:18:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:18:53 GMT 8
New drink from Malaysia:
The Malaysian gaverment has approved the release of a new drink made with cutting edge technology.It's a combination of Horlicks, Milo Kopi & Teh. It's called - "LICKMYKOTEH"....
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:20:37 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:20:37 GMT 8
Expiry Date
A 95 yr old man sucks his 90yr old wife's breast for 1/2 hour, drinks 2 drops of her milk and dies... Post-mortem report - Died of drinking something after EXPIRY DATE ...
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:21:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:21:36 GMT 8
Biology Lesson
Teacher: A man's thingy has 2 key functions: Urination & Reproduction.
Student: But my dad uses it to brush our maid's teeth.
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:23:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:23:53 GMT 8
Positive Thinking
Positive thinking is like this.... A little bird flies up in the sky; you look up and it shits in your eye...
But you don't mind and you don't cry... But you thank God that cows don't fly.....
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:25:26 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:25:26 GMT 8
Sexy Grandma
Last night, grandma wore a see-through top, grandpa didn't notice. The 2nd night grandma wore a bikini, grandpa got a shock. And on the 3rd night, she got naked and grandpa says to her: "why is your dress so crumpled..."
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:26:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:26:53 GMT 8
Gaverment Job
A guy goes to interview for a gaverment job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?" The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam." "Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?" The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now ! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started." The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
" Well, here at the gaverment, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that !"
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:28:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:28:44 GMT 8
How Come ?
Once there was a young Red Indian couple who just got married. After 6 months of marital bliss, the wife was still unable to conceive, so the husband brought her to the Medicine Man.
The husband asked the Medicine Man: "Many moons come, Many moons go; I come, Baby no come, How come?"
The Medicine Man told the husband to go to the Blue mountains and meditate there for 9 months. After 9 months had passed, he came down from the mountains, and was surprised to see that his wife had a baby.
So he brought her again to see the Medicine Man, and the husband asked him: "Many moons come , Many moons go, I no come, Baby come, How come?" The Medicine Man turned to the wife for an answer. She replied: "Many moons come, Many moons go, You no come, Many men come...."
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:30:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:30:36 GMT 8
Riding Bicycle
When god saw them, he said that he will give them transport(vehicle) based on their love relationship.
Mr A. said: I only loved my wife and have always been faithful to her only. God said: I am pleased, you deserve a Ferrari.
Mr B. said: I have 1 wife and 1 mistress, but my love for both of them is true too. God said: Ok you deserve a 1.5l car.
Mr C. said : i have 2 wife and 1 mistress. God said: Ok you deserve a 500cc motorbike.
As the three men was riding their vehicles, they suddenly see Mr. A . began to weep. Mr B & C ask: Why are you crying? your ferrari is a beauty compare to what we have.
Mr. A answer: I just saw my wife ................she is riding a bicycle!!!!!!!!
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:31:42 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:31:42 GMT 8
No Future
Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past. Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history. Teacher: Why? Student: There is no future in it.
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:32:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:32:45 GMT 8
Don't Know
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have? Ted: $10. Teacher: You don't know maths. Ted: You don't know my father!
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:34:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:34:02 GMT 8
Scold First
Mother: David, come here. David: Yes, mum? Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse. David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow. Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:34:59 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:34:59 GMT 8
Which Is Correct ?
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test? Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8 Father: So? Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8. If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:36:28 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:36:28 GMT 8
It Mummy
A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, Then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father. Daughter: It's mummy! Father: How do you know? Daughter: She didn't say anything.
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:37:25 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:37:25 GMT 8
Undying Love
Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:38:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:38:53 GMT 8
How Old ?
Man: How old is your father? Boy: As old as me Man: How can that be? Boy: He became a father only when I was born
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:39:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:39:50 GMT 8
Give Me The Menu
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg. Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:45:38 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:45:38 GMT 8
No Good
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything! Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:46:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:46:20 GMT 8
All Of Me
Teacher: "Where were u born?" Student: "Malaysia, Sir." Teacher: "Which part?" Student: "All of me, Sir."
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:48:26 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:48:26 GMT 8
Prayers
Man works in the Post Office, dealing with letters with no proper addresses, no stamps...so on.
One day, he received a letter from an old lady, addressed to "GOD".
"Dear God, sombody stole my purse with my last pension, $100 in it. I have nothing to live on until next month's pension. Its Christmas Eve next week and I have invited 2 friends over for dinner. Without $100, I don't know what to do. Please help me. Yours Sincerely, Jane"
Postman showed pity and told his colleagues. They put up some money and came to $94.He sent it back to the old lady.
Few days later, he received a letter from the same old lady, addressed to "GOD"
"Dear God, I can't be more grateful to you for what you have done. I got my money back. My friends and I have a great time during CHristmas Eve.
However, I must let you know, that there were $6 missing. Must be those idiots at the post office. Yours Sincerely, Jane"
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:50:09 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:50:09 GMT 8
Everything Big
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:53:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:53:53 GMT 8
Bragging
A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia.
He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel's coffee house.
A Malaysian man, who was chewing gum, sat down next to him & started a casual conversation.
Malaysian: "You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?"
Singaporean: "Of course."
Malaysian: "We don't. In Malaysia, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore." The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence.
Malaysian: "Do you eat the jam with the bread?"
Singaporean: "Of course."
Malaysian (chuckling): "We don't. In Malaysia, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam before we sell it across to Singapore."
This time, the Singaporean retorted: "Do you have sex in Malaysia?"
Malaysian: "Why, of course we do"
Singaporean: "Do you wear protection"
Malaysian: "Of course! We wear condoms."
Singaporean: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Malaysian: "stupid question! Of course we throw them away."
Singaporean: "We don't. In Singapore, the gaverment secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia, & that's the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore."
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Apr 7, 2009 22:55:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:55:02 GMT 8
AFRICAN ROULETTE
An African Minister visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian Minister. For three days, the African was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the last day of his visit, the Russian Minister said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty and both the Ministers breathed a sigh of relief.
The African Minister was impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Minister was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African Minister treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African Minister spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.
The African Minister said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette.
He said, "Well, ok, Great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African Minister answered: "One of them's a cannibal."
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Jazz
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Apr 7, 2009 22:58:43 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 22:58:43 GMT 8
Guts
Once during the gulf war, the President of USA and the Prime Minister of UK and S'pore were travelling on a war ship that was cruising near S.Arabia. The three were talking about how brave their soldiers were; their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.
The Pres. of USA said "let me show u what is guts." whereupon he called his colonel and said "jump into the sea and swim for three rounds, the Colonel said "I will do anything for Uncle Sam, Sir." Then he jumped into the shark infested sea and swim for three rounds around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad! After the successful three rounds, the Colonel came up to the deck and said ", I Mr President!" The proud Pres. replied "That's what I call guts.
The Prime Minister of UK was pissed, he had to show. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim for 10 rounds around this ship!" The General said "Anything for the Queen, Sir," jumped into the shark infested sea and swim for 10 rounds around the ship with the sharks chasing him like gila.... after the 10 successful rounds...the General came up to the deck and said.... " Long live the Queen!!!" The proud PM replied:"That's what I call guts!"
The Prime Minister of Singapore cannot tahan anymore! He had to show that his soldiers have the guts too!! He called one of his Privates and said "Soldiers, jump into the sea and swim 50 rounds around this ship!"
The Private replied :"Ooi, you seow is it?" I just bought my Executive Condo and I am paying through my nose. You want me to jump and die is it? If u want to show off, you jump into the sea yourself ok? The PM smiled and said:" Now, that's what I call guts!"
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