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Mar 14, 2009 22:19:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:19:02 GMT 8
Turn Into Stone
Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.
The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.
The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?" The little boy says, "My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder."
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Mar 14, 2009 22:21:21 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:21:21 GMT 8
Sick
Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick." His boss says, "When I am sick I f**k my wife, try that." Two hours later the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"
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Mar 14, 2009 22:22:39 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:22:39 GMT 8
Need
Ma and Pa farmer were sitting out on the stoop. Pa farmer reached over to Ma, grabbed her chest and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get milk out of them things, I surely wouldn't need all those cows over there."
A short while later, Pa grabbed Ma's crotch and said, "You know, Ma, if I could get eggs out of this thing, I wouldn't need all those chickens over there."
Ma looked at Pa, grabbed his pecker and said, "You know, Pa, if I could get a hard-on out of this thing, I wouldn't need the neighbor."
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Mar 14, 2009 22:24:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:24:45 GMT 8
Report Card
Father was passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn'tso old these days is it?),and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship,don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter, Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you!!!
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Mar 14, 2009 22:30:24 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 14, 2009 22:30:24 GMT 8
Get The Manager...
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands."
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
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Mar 19, 2009 21:41:23 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:41:23 GMT 8
Ah Beng Story
This is a story about Ahbeng in search of a wife with the help of his mother, Ahkew. One day Ahbeng 's mother bring home 3 pretty girls and introduce to Ahbeng. The 3 pretty girls name and occupation : 1.) Ahuey - Telephonist 2.) Ahmoi - Primary Skool Teacher 3.) Ahlian - Bus Conductor
Ahbeng very sexcited lar of course then after a while of chatting with the girls his mother asked him.
Ahkew : Ahbeng, how ? Which one you like the most ? Ahbeng : I like Ahlian the most Ahkew : Aiyoh bus conductor only wor! where got future wan? Ahmoi not bad leh! gomen work you know? good benefit, next time your children wanna goto skool also easy Ahbeng : Ahmah dunwan laaa!! Ahkew : Why dunwan? Ahbeng : bcoz skool teacher they love to say "PLEASE REPEAT!! DO AGAIN!!! I Want it done 10 times...SOME MORE, SOME MORE! " Like this very tiring everynite I can die one ahmah! Ahkew : aiyoo!!! then Ahuey lar! at least she is better than Ahlian Ahbeng : Dunwan also! ahmah, she is telephonist la! they love to say " WAIT A MINIT! PLEASE HOLD ON!" dem potong stim lidat ahmah where got mood to make baby la? Ahkew : Aiyoyo!!! then what u like about Ahlian so much? bus conductor only wor!!! Where got future one ? Ahbeng : Ahmah you dunno wan la ... I always take mini bus to KL, those women bus conductor always say " BANG! MASUK BELAKANG!!! MASUK DALAM SIKIT!!! DALAM ADA TEMPAT!!! MASUK MASUK!!!" (in yingrish it means "go in behind, go deep inside! go deeper some more! inside still got place!! deeper! deeper!!!) everytime they say lidat i also very sexcited one !!!! WUAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!
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Mar 19, 2009 21:46:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:46:36 GMT 8
Ah Beng Part 2
AH BENG the Crazy Singaporean. Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends? Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop. Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?" Salesgirl : "Yes !" Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question. After much thought, he writes " Yes "
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object. Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?" Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask." Ah Beng : "What does it do ?" Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" Ah Beng : "I'll buy it" The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask Boss : "What is that shiny object ?" Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask." Boss : "What does it do ?" Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" Boss : "What do you have in it !?" Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911? Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support. Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah" "Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to the other ear ?" Ah Beng answered : "That s***** dumbo called back, lah !!!!"
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator. Ah Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?" Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..." Ah Beng : "THANK YOU lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags. "FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims. "YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS". At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE". The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?" Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"
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Mar 19, 2009 21:47:34 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:47:34 GMT 8
Lucky Ah!
One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down Chinatown when they saw something in their path.
Ah Beng: "Wait, wat is tat huh?" Ah Seng: "Yah ho! Be carefool lo," Both: "Wat is it?" They approached the thing and looked at it very closely. Ah Beng: "Eee look like s*** lah!" Ah Seng: "Hmmm..... smell like s*** also!" after taking a deep breathe. So Ah Beng then poked the thing with his one finger, raised the finger to his lips, tasted it. Ah Beng: "Tastes like s***!" Then Ah Seng pushed his finger right through the thing and stick out his tongue to lick. Ah Seng: "Confirm is ah!" Then they smiled at each other, Both: "WAH! Lucky we didn't step on it."
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Mar 19, 2009 21:49:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:49:05 GMT 8
Helmet Drop
Ah Beng was on a bike with Ah Lian after a durian shopping trip. Ah Lian was holding on to 2 big bags of durians.....when they reach a hump...
Ah Beng heard a loud bang....he ask Ah Lian: "Lurian oo kalau bo(durian got drop or not?)"....Ah Lian shouted...."boh kalau lah!"
So Ah beng continued with the journey....when they reach home...Ah beng got down from his bike & was shocked to see that Ah lian was not wearing a helmet!!!
He asks Ah Lian: "Where is your helmet???" Ah Lian was very angry and replied...."Just now I already told u 'boh kalau' (helmet drop)!!!"
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Mar 19, 2009 21:50:22 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:50:22 GMT 8
Application Form for joining Secret Society Gang
Since the IR has been approved, the underworld is looking for recruits. This one - CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY, a Geylang-based organization for youth, is now recruiting members to fulfill a tender they are submitting to the new casi? Sorry, sorry, integrated resort.
Please fill in the form below and mail to:
Mr. Chao Ah Beng Membership Officer Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society 69 Geylang Lorong 69 Singapore 696969
Reference code: chapsartiam.com <http://chapsartiam.com/>
APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY
1. NRIC No.: _________________
2. Surname: __________________
3. First name: (please X) [ ] Johnson [ ] Benson [ ] Samson [ ] Hamson [ ] Janson [ ] Other: _________________ (if not ! ending in "son"? please explain why)
4. Chinese Name: Ah __________(if not beginning with Ah? please explain why)
5. Age: [ ] Under 35 [ ] Lau Beng
6. Sex: [ ] M [ ] F [ ] at Geylang
7. Length of Last Fingernail: ________ (cm)
8. Ability to squat for: [ ] 1 hour [ ] 2 hours [ ] more than 2 hours (wah, steady!)
9. Hairstyle: [ ] Spiky [ ] Dyed with streaks of blond [ ] Dyed with streaks of red [ ] Two strands dangling in front of eyes [ ] Kana mop like that [ ] Perm (please state which saloon in JB you went)____________________
10. Tattoo of: [ ] Tiger [ ] Dragon [ ] Snake [ ] Eagle [ ] Hello Kitty
11. Work experience: (please X all that apply) [ ] KTV Launge Bouncer [ ] Snooker Hall Attendant [ ] Unlicensed Contractor [ ] Freelance debt collector [ ] Unlicensed bookie [ ] Dispute Resolution and Settlement Professional [ ] Unemployed
12. Spouse's Name: _________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: (the one in Batam, that one) _________________________ Lover's Name: _________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: (Lorong 69, that pooi-pooi one) _________________________
13. Number of children living in household: ____ Number of children living in foster care: ____ Number of children that are actually yours: ____
14. Mother's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank) 15. Father's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
16. Education: (Circle how many years it took you to finish primary school) 8 9 10 11 12
17. Ability to swear: (please X all that apply) [ ] Hokkien [ ] English [ ] Malay [ ] Tamil [ ] Cantonese [ ] rude hand gestures
18. Service performed in previous secret society: [ ] Leadership/Tua Tao [ ] Junior management/Suay Tao [ ] Physical activities/Hooting [ ] Dispute Resolution and settlement/Cham Siong [ ] Lookout/Kuah Chui
With your application, please also enclose sample of blood (need not be your own).
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Mar 19, 2009 21:54:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:54:35 GMT 8
Ah Beng Part 3
Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, 'My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'
==================================== Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College. Friend: Really, what is he studying. Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.
========================================== Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night. DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok. Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
=========================================== Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry? Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry? Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.
========================================= Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD' Wife: How do you know?? Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.
=========================================== Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.' Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?' Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
========================================= Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'. He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for complement.'
============================================= How do you recognize Ah Beng in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
=============================================== Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot
================================================== Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'
================================================== = Ah Beng : Why are all these people running? Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?
================================================== = Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
================================================== === Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!' Servant: 'It's already raining.' Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
================================================== === A man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not in the morning? Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not
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Mar 19, 2009 21:56:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 19, 2009 21:56:14 GMT 8
Legs Pointing Up
Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.
They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today. What?? his father replied.
When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, Jesus, I m coming, Jesus I m coming.?If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!
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Mar 20, 2009 20:11:19 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:11:19 GMT 8
girl thingy
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.The blonde realises he is staring andinquires, "Are you looking at my girl thingy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the girl thingy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder girl thingy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the girl thingy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"
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Mar 20, 2009 20:14:12 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:14:12 GMT 8
Social Engineer
A policeman arrested a prostitute in the Hospital area & asked for her profession. Prostitute: I m a social engineer. Policeman: What do u do? Prostitute: I build & destroy erections
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Mar 20, 2009 20:15:59 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:15:59 GMT 8
3" Floppy
Whats the difference between a computer and a woman? A computer doesn't laugh at a 3inch floppy.
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Mar 20, 2009 20:17:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:17:35 GMT 8
Size & Taste
A French and a Brit gynecologist were chatting.
French: Just last week there was this woman, her cliotris was like a melon. Brit: That's a lie, she wouldn't be able to walk if it was. French: You Brits always talk about size; I was talking about the taste.
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Mar 20, 2009 20:20:30 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:20:30 GMT 8
Business Talks
Condom to whisper: Bloody every month u stop my business for one week. Whisper: If u make a mistake I lose my business for 9 months
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Mar 20, 2009 20:25:31 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:25:31 GMT 8
Fart
A old man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, did you call for me? The man replies, oh, what do you mean?? She says, you must be new here. Let me explain. Its a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me?Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Later, the man continues to explore the colony facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, did you call for me??says the hairy man.
oh, what do you mean??asks the newcomer.
its a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.? The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. may I help you??she asks.
The man yells, cancel my membership. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee? But, Sir,?she replies, you're only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities. The man replies, Listen lady, I m 63 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I m outta here!
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Mar 20, 2009 20:30:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:30:44 GMT 8
Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady And after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
l be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I may go hunting, Fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my Old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about It. Those are my rules. Any comments?
His new bride said, no, that's fine with me. Just Understand that there will be sex here at seven O'lock every night, Whether you're here or Not...
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Mar 20, 2009 20:33:59 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:33:59 GMT 8
Smart Student
A first-grade teacher, Ms Tulip (Age 2 ) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked," Boy, what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Tulip had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Tulip he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Boy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Boy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Tulip and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "
Ms Tulip says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.
Ms Tulip asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Tulip: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Boy: "Pockets."
Ms Tulip: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy: Coconut
Ms Tulip: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge. Boy: Bubblegum
Ms Tulip: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer... Boy: Shake hands
Ms Tulip: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy: Yep.
Ms Tulip: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy: Tent
Ms Tulip: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Vodka peg. Boy: Wedding Ring
Ms Tulip: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy: Nose
Ms Tulip: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Boy: Arrow
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy: Fire truck
Ms Tulip: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand. Boy: Fork
Ms Tulip: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy: SURNAME
Ms Tulip: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to OXFORD UNIVERSITY EVEN I GOT THE LAST TEN QUESTION WRONG MYSELF"
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Mar 20, 2009 20:41:47 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:41:47 GMT 8
Men Most Feared Questions
The 5 questions most feared by men are: 1...What are you thinking about? 2...Do you love me? 3...Do I look fat? 4...Do you think she is prettier than me? 5...What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly(i.e., tells the truth).
As a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible Responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer,which most likely is one of the following: a...Baseball. b...Football. c...How fat you are. d...How much prettier she is than you. e...How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a...Oh Yeah, crap loads. b...Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c...That depends on what you mean by love. d...Does it matter? e...Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a...Compared to what? b...I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c...A little extra weight looks good on you. d...I've seen fatter. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a...Yes, but you have a better personality. b...Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c...Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d...Define pretty. e...Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). WARNING: No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Oh ( expletive deleted).
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Jazz
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Mar 20, 2009 20:47:13 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:47:13 GMT 8
The Ten Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating! In the first 3 years of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. From 4th - 7th year and on , the woman speaks and the man listens. In the rest of the year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife treats the husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
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Jazz
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Mar 20, 2009 20:50:43 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:50:43 GMT 8
Blondie
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Jazz
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Mar 20, 2009 20:53:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:53:10 GMT 8
What do you call a lady wearing big hat & pair of sunglasses?
Europe Version: A elegant lady
China Version: A Tai-tai
S'pore Version: ..... Carpark Attendant
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Jazz
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Mar 20, 2009 20:54:54 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Mar 20, 2009 20:54:54 GMT 8
Go Ahead Without Me
The Tan family had just hired a new maid and decided to lay some house rules firmly at the start.
Mrs Tan: "Now, look here," she began in a high tone, "I want you to remember that this family has its breakfast at 7.30am exactly. Understand?"
Maid: "Oh don't worry, If I sleep in, just go ahead without me. I don't usually have much breakfast anyway."
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