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May 5, 2009 21:35:52 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:35:52 GMT 8
Just Like Her
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand upher skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a pregnant dog!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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May 5, 2009 21:38:08 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:38:08 GMT 8
Looking For My Car
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.
The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.
'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.
'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.
'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.
'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.
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May 5, 2009 21:40:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:40:05 GMT 8
Anniversary
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f**k herself."
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May 5, 2009 21:43:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:43:50 GMT 8
Wish
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please,"
The man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender.
"Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs !"
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May 5, 2009 21:47:17 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:47:17 GMT 8
Not Petting
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
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May 5, 2009 21:49:24 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:49:24 GMT 8
3 Questions
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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May 5, 2009 21:53:58 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:53:58 GMT 8
Cabby & Nun
A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun."
"Would that make you happy?" She asked.
"Oh yes sister. Very happy." The cabby replied.
She responded, "Well, one of the rules of my order is to do my best to make others happy so, since it would make you happy I suppose it would be ok but first of all you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic and being a nun I couldn't have sex with you the way any other woman could. You would have to do it to me, I think the term is in the back door."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Well, I'm single and I'm Catholic, and I wouldn't mind doing it that way"
"OK" the nun says, "Pull into a dark alley."
He pulls into the alley, gets in the back seat with the nun, places her on her hands and knees, lifts her habit up just high enough to get to her and has his way. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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May 13, 2009 22:28:51 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:28:51 GMT 8
Coincidence
4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy: "Congratulations, you've twins!". "Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy, "as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".
Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy: "Congratulations, you've triplets!" "Wooow!, this is a coincidence,too" said the second daddy. "I am working for 3M Corporation".
A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy: "Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets" "Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence". "I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".
Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried. All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?". He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"
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May 13, 2009 22:31:00 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:31:00 GMT 8
Bullets
A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was taking pee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom,I was taking pee and this bullet came out."
Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."
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May 13, 2009 22:50:22 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:50:22 GMT 8
Replace The Rooster
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
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May 13, 2009 22:53:25 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:53:25 GMT 8
Slow Down Or Stop ??
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
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May 13, 2009 22:55:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:55:10 GMT 8
Gone Deaf
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
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May 13, 2009 22:57:25 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 13, 2009 22:57:25 GMT 8
Donkey Reporter
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."
The crowd made way for him.
Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
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Jun 1, 2009 22:59:00 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 1, 2009 22:59:00 GMT 8
Teaching The Child
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
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Jun 25, 2009 21:11:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:11:07 GMT 8
Give Up Drugs
Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off."
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says. "That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?" "I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs."
The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!" "One hundred! How?" asks the judge. "Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your not a very nice person before prison...'"
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Jun 25, 2009 21:15:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:15:50 GMT 8
Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: - If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2 A sales rep and a administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!?Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."? Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: - Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 3 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: - "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 4 A turkey was chatting with a bull.?"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: - Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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Jun 25, 2009 21:23:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:23:35 GMT 8
PCK On Explaining Love Making
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, then someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not? Ehhh! Don't play play ah!
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah !
Use your brain, use your brainnn .. Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Correct or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your brain, use your brainnnnn .......... you go and dig your nose in front of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ....... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ....... ," Best in Singapore , JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!" also ah!!!
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Jun 25, 2009 21:29:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:29:44 GMT 8
Why Men Lies
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,* *his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, a genie appeared and asked,"Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe had fallen into water,and he needed the axe to make his living. * The genie went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked. * The woodcutter replied, "No." * The genie again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked. * Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." * The genie went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the genie asked. * The woodcutter replied, "Yes." * The genie was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. * Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the genie again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" *
"Oh genie, my wife has fallen into the water!" * The genie went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the genie asked. * "Yes," cried the woodcutter. * The genie was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" * The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, genie. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Genie, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." * The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others*.
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Jun 25, 2009 21:39:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:39:20 GMT 8
Marriage Business
Indian way of doing business... which is the best way!
Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice Son: "NO, I will choose my own bride!!!" Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.." Son: "Well, in that case...ok" Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates. Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...." Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!" Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank." Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok" Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank. Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!" Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law." President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
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Jun 25, 2009 21:52:33 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 21:52:33 GMT 8
Ah Bengs & Ah Lians
Ah Lian asked shopkeeper, "Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?" Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
The Titanic was sinking and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy water to make room for women and children. To the British he said, "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped. To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied. To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed. To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged. Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were very angry and kicked up a big fuss claiming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally after a long talk with Ah Bengs, the manager found out that they were actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
One day, two Ah Lians got into a lift from the 20th storey and wanted to get down to the ground floor. As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2. It was then followed by a G. As they were not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean. Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Lian was so impressed and asked the first Ah Lian,"Wah low!!! How you know one?" The first Ah Lian replied smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
One day, there were an American, one Italian, a Singaporean and Bangladeshi traveled around on a private helicopter. After about one hour of travelling, the American took out his cigarette(Dunhill), lighted it up and started smoking after two sip, he threw the balance of the cigarette. The other three persons were surprised and asked "Why didn't you finish-up the cigarette before throwing?" He replied arrogantly, "There is a lot of cigarettes in my country." Half an hour later, the Italian took out a bottle of branded perfume and applied on him and the rest he threw out of the window. The other three persons were surprised and asked, "Why did you throw away the perfume?" The Italian replied also, "There is a lot of perfume in my country." The Singaporean didn't know what to do & suddenly pushed that Bangladeshi out of the helicopter. The other two persons shouted crazyly, "Why did you push him !?" The Singaporean said slowly, "There is a lot of Bangladeshi in my country!" Everybody kept quiet and stayed away from the Singaporean.
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Jun 25, 2009 22:00:33 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:00:33 GMT 8
Appraisal vs Resignation
Newly-joined trainee engineer asks his boss " What is the meaning of appraisal ? "
Boss : " Do you know the meaning of resignation ? " Trainee : " Yes, I do. "
Boss : " So let me make you understand what an appraisal is by comparing it with resignation. "
Appraisal:In an appraisal meeting they will speak only about your weakness, errors & failures.
Resignation :In a resignation meeting they will speak only about your strengths, past achievements and success.
During an appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even a 10% pay hike.
In a resignation meeting you can easily demand (or get more without asking) more than 50-60% pay-hike!
During an appraisal, they will deny promotion saying that you did not meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and that you had several drawbacks in reaching the objective/goal.
During resignation, they'll say you are the core member of the team; that you are the vision of the company, and so " How can you go ? "; you have to take the project on your shoulders and lead your juniors to success.
Appraisal :There is a 90% chance of not getting any significant incentives after appraisal.
Resignation : There is a 90% chance of getting an immediate pay-hike after you put in your resignation.
Trainee : " Yes, boss, good enough. Now I know what to do. When you are about to do my appraisal, I will resign. "
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Jun 25, 2009 22:05:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:05:44 GMT 8
How To Answer Your Child
1st Scene .
Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room,right in front of
their little son.
Daddy : Oh!!! You pregnant dog!
Mommy : What?? You Bastard!
Son : Daddy, Mommy, what's pregnant dog and Bastard??
At this moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : It means Ladies and Gentlemen son.
Son : Oh I see!
2nd Scene...
Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex and there they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'.
Mommy was reading the papers.
Son : Mommy, what's breasts and penises?
At this moment, mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mom: It means coats and hats, son.
Son : Oh I see!
3rd Scene...
Daddy was shaving his beard and son passed by; the toilet. Suddenly daddy cut himself and scream...
Daddy : Oh nuts!!
Son : Daddy, what's nuts?
At this moment, Daddy eyes bulged, and quickly thought of something to say..
Daddy : It means shaving cream, son.
Son : Oh I see!!
4th Scene..
Christmas is approaching, and mommy was stuffing the turkey into the stove.
The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...
Mommy : Oh! f**k!
Son : Mommy, what's f**k?
At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy : It means stuffing, son
Son : Oh I see!!
5th Scene...
It's Chrismas Eve! Little son exuberantly opened the door to let all that is uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly he said... "Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your breasts and penises at that corner of the house ! My parent are busy at the moment. You see; Daddy is putting nuts on his face upstairs and mummy is f**k**g the turkey in the kitchen. Don't worry they will come out in a minute!!
Everyone fainted!!!!!!!!!!
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Jun 25, 2009 22:12:04 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:12:04 GMT 8
If Microsoft Develop Cars
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
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Jazz
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Jun 25, 2009 22:25:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:25:18 GMT 8
GOD Creations
On the very first day of the world, God created the cow.
He said to the cow: "Ah Gu (cow), today I have created you! Your job is to go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will provide the energy to pull things! You will also provide milk for people to drink! You are to work all day under the sun! In return, you will only eat grass. For that, you will have a life span of 50 years." Ah Gu objected. "What.. I work all day in the sun and I get only to eat grass! On top of that, I have to give my milk away! This is tough and you want me to live 50 years! I'll take 20 and you can have the remaining 30 years back!" God agreed..
On the next day, God created the dog. He said to the dog. "Ah Kow (dog), I have created you for a purpose. You are to sit all day by the door of your master's house! Should anyone come in, you are to bark at them! In return, you will eat your master's leftovers. I'll give you a life span of 20 years." Ah Kow objected. " What! I have to sit by the door all day and will need to bark at people, and what do I get ... LEFTOVERS... This isn't right, I'll take 10 and you can have the remaining 10 years back!" God agreed again.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey. "Lao Kao (monkey), your job is to entertain people. You will make them laugh, act stupid and make faces! You will also do somersaults and swing on trees to amaze them. In return, you will get to eat bananas and peanuts. For that, I'll give you 20 years to live." Naturally the monkey objected. "This is ridiculous, I gotta make faces and make people laugh? Let's not even come to the part about the trees and somersaults. Tell you what, I'll give 10 years of my life to thank you for my existence and I'll take 10. What do you think?" God agreed again.
On the forth day, God created humans. God said to the man. "You are my best piece of work, for that, you will only need to sleep, eat, sleep, play, eat, sleep again and do nothing else. You will get to eat all the best things and play with the best toys. All you need to do is enjoy all your life. For this kinda of life, I'll gi ve you 20 years." Just like the rest, the man objected. "What, all I need to do is relax and enjoy myself and I have only 20 years to live? Tell you what, you've 30 years back from Ah Gu, 10 years from Ah Kow and another 10 from Lao Kao and you probably don't know what to do with all those lifes. Why not I take them all and I'll have 70 years to live?" God being such good natured, agreed with a smile.....
AND THAT IS WHY..... We eat, sleep, play and enjoy for the first 20 years of our lives when we are growing up.
Work like a cow for the next 30 to raise our family. Sit outside the door and wait for our children to come home for the next 10 when we are retired. And finally, we make faces and perform monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren for the final 10 years.
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Jazz
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Jun 25, 2009 22:32:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:32:56 GMT 8
Daughter Sex Life
Mother had 3 virgin daughters.
They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: "Nescafe"!
Mum was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Rothmans". Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: "Extra Long. King Size" She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in Cape Town. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "South African Airways". Mum took out her latest Metropolitan magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for SAA.
The ad said: "Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mum fainted!
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