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Sept 6, 2009 22:01:15 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:01:15 GMT 8
Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this d**n hole."
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Sept 6, 2009 22:14:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:14:14 GMT 8
Olympic Condoms
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
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Sept 6, 2009 22:15:47 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:15:47 GMT 8
Blonde Joke
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.
He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.
When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.
He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
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Sept 6, 2009 22:21:31 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:21:31 GMT 8
Snails
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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Sept 6, 2009 22:24:24 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:24:24 GMT 8
The Nursing Home
A son takes his father to the retirement home. Grandpa doesn't want to go, but the family insists. On the first night, Grandpa is settling in when a gorgeous nurse enters and tucks him in. Grandpa gets a hard-on, she sees it, and she climbs aboard. The next morning Grandpa calls his son and tells him he's changed his mind. Now he LIKES the retirement home. The next night Grandpa is heading for bed when he trips and falls face first on the floor. A big male orderly sees him, drops his trousers, and sodomises the old man. The next morning, Grandpa calls his son again and tells him he no longer likes the retirement home. "But yesterday you told me you loved it there.." says the son."Yeah, but you don't understand. I only get an erection once a month, but I fall down nearly every day."
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Sept 6, 2009 22:28:55 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:28:55 GMT 8
PCK
Chu Kang ( PCK ) explaining sex to Chu Beng's son, Aloysius
Aloy : Why is making love so enjoyable ? PCK : Aiyah, ah boy, enjoyable because, same like when you dig your nose with your finger mah !
Aloy : Do you think women enjoy sex more than men ? PCK : Of course lah ! When you dig dig your nose, your nose feel better than your finger, right?
Aloy : Why do women hate it when they get raped ? PCK : Ai-yah ! Say, you walk along the load, then someone come over and dig your nose, you like or not? Ehhh! Don't play play ah!
Aloy : Why is it a woman cannot have sex when she is having her menses? PCK : Oy !! If your nose bleeding, you still go and dig meh?? Siow ah !
Use your brain, use your brainnn .. Aloy : Why is it most men don't like wearing condoms when they are making love ? PCK : Ehhhh, when you dig your nose ah, you like to dig with a glove on your finger or not ? Not the same shiok feeling mah. Correct or not?
Aloy : Why is making love carried out in private ? PCK : Ah boyyyyy, use your brain, use your brainnnnn .......... you go and dig your nose in front of your whole class izit ?? Stupid lah!!
Aloy : Wah ....... Uncle Chu Kang, you are very good.
PCK : Aiyah ....... ," Best in Singapore , JB, some say Batam, and now, the whole world!" also ah!!!
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Sept 6, 2009 22:32:37 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:32:37 GMT 8
Johnny
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit.
"Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.
" Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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Sept 6, 2009 22:35:34 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:35:34 GMT 8
Stomped
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a honey bee," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week." Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "One of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week." The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey and butter.) Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it. The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"
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Sept 6, 2009 22:37:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:37:53 GMT 8
No Ears
Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again."
The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, "Listen man, whatever you do, don't say he hasn't got any ears. He's so touchy with the ear thing." "Okay," said man #3 on his way into the office.
Once inside he is told, "Name the first thing you notice when you look at me." The guy answers, "That's easy, you wear contacts." The interviewer was flabbergasted, "How on earth did you know that, son?" "What? Am I stupid ? You can't wear glasses, coz you've got no ears!"
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Sept 6, 2009 22:43:28 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 22:43:28 GMT 8
How Old Am I
Woman decides to have a face lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise", she says. ... ... ... He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
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Sept 13, 2009 0:41:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:41:07 GMT 8
Oh My God!!
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?
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Sept 13, 2009 0:43:19 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:43:19 GMT 8
25th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and s**k your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Sept 13, 2009 0:45:26 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:45:26 GMT 8
Picking Fruits
Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"
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Sept 13, 2009 0:48:33 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:48:33 GMT 8
Change Of Plan
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her girl thingy. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my girl thingy!".
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's girl thingy. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my thingy and insert it into your wife's girl thingy. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my thingy I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my thingy out of your wife's girl thingy."
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his thingy with honey, inserted it into the young lady's girl thingy. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.
He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.
The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"
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Sept 13, 2009 0:52:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:52:10 GMT 8
Electric Fence
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you. "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern an make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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Sept 13, 2009 0:58:22 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 0:58:22 GMT 8
Innocent
A very 'innocent' kampung girl is going to Kuala Lumpur. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.
Girl Ah, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements Mother set for you.
You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'. With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town.
After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get hermother's blessings to marry.
Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future Husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around." "Isn't that being faithful?".
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"As it was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only". "Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked.
"Mmm....his 'that one' is new......still wrapped up in plastic, mum!"
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Sept 13, 2009 1:01:26 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 1:01:26 GMT 8
Appointment
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Sept 13, 2009 1:05:54 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 1:05:54 GMT 8
TO MAKE A BABY JOKE
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And th these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand, very long.' Mrs. Smith fainted .........
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Sept 13, 2009 1:09:47 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 13, 2009 1:09:47 GMT 8
Good Reason To Tell TP Why You Speed
A middle aged man bought a brand new BMW 645. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 130 kmph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kmph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The policeman pulled in behind the Beemer and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The policeman said, "Have a nice day Sir."
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Apr 6, 2010 15:45:08 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:45:08 GMT 8
Good Salesman
An Indian moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The Indian says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did,but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving creametc. You get the idea?"
"Of course," the young man said. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today? The Indian says, "One" The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales/day. How much was the sale for?" The Indian says, "$101,237.64." The manager exclaims, "What? $101,237.64? What did you sell him?" The Indian replied, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero." The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!" The Indian says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up you might as well go fishing!!" The manager fainted...
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Apr 6, 2010 15:47:22 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:47:22 GMT 8
It's Performance, Not Position that Counts
Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven"
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ...."While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
Moral of the story:
It's Performance, Not Position that Counts
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Apr 6, 2010 15:48:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:48:56 GMT 8
Gravy Ladle
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
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Jazz
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Apr 6, 2010 15:50:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:50:45 GMT 8
Bishop
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, "Preacher's Ass shows" The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, "Preacher's Ass out in Front" The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline, "Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass". This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, "Nun has the Best Ass in Town" The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper states, "Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks" They buried the Bishop the next day.
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Jazz
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Apr 6, 2010 15:54:12 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:54:12 GMT 8
Conversation In The Toilet
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
... Hi, how are you?
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
... Doing Just fine
And the other guy says:
... So what are you up to?
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
... Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
... Can I come over?
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him,
... No........I'm a little busy right now!
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
...Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.
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Jazz
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Apr 6, 2010 15:57:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:57:02 GMT 8
Ah Lian Buy Stocking
Ah Lian asked shopkeeper, "Eh Ah chek, u got sell stocking up to knee, boh?" Ah Chek replied, "Lu siao ah! stocking wear up to 'yeo' (waist) only, where got up to the 'nee'(breast) one?"
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