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Jun 25, 2009 22:43:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:43:05 GMT 8
Materialistic Lawyer A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the Office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a big truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 999, and it wasn't more than 3 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook His head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "My God!" screamed the lawyer..... "Where's my Rolex? ??
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Jun 25, 2009 22:46:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:46:35 GMT 8
Used Coins
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
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Jun 25, 2009 22:48:20 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jun 25, 2009 22:48:20 GMT 8
Bad Luck
A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side. He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying."
She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..."
He added, " ...then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.
The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."
His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There's something I really like to say to you..."
She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said,..............
"I think you bring me bad luck-lah"
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Sept 6, 2009 19:56:03 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 19:56:03 GMT 8
Blonde & Postman
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house a dumb blonde in her lingerie met him at the door. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five dollars for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.
I asked him what to give you"
He said, "F*** him. Just give him five bucks."
She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."
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Sept 6, 2009 20:11:11 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:11:11 GMT 8
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Sept 6, 2009 20:11:31 GMT 8
Post by 浪人Röηiη on Sept 6, 2009 20:11:31 GMT 8
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Sept 6, 2009 20:22:28 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:22:28 GMT 8
It Dark In Here
A housewife takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside. Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is.
Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "$1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that nuts again!"
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Sept 6, 2009 20:25:17 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:25:17 GMT 8
Depends
Girl: Will you love me after marriage also? Boy: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
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Sept 6, 2009 20:26:33 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:26:33 GMT 8
For You
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you.
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Sept 6, 2009 20:28:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:28:53 GMT 8
GOD Is Watching
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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Sept 6, 2009 20:30:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:30:45 GMT 8
It Time To Go To School
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school." SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.
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Sept 6, 2009 20:32:39 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:32:39 GMT 8
Dying Of AIDS
A man is dying of Cancer. His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?" Answer:"So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom!"
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Sept 6, 2009 20:35:38 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:35:38 GMT 8
The Popular Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
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Sept 6, 2009 20:40:31 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:40:31 GMT 8
Stupid
Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one. "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid. If you don't believe me I'll show you.
He called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Ah Beng, here is a $10 note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes".
To which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! Right away, Sir!" and rushed off to the Showroom.
The rich man then turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali.
"Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." To which Ali said, "Yes Sir! Right away,Sir!" and ran home.
"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooooooo stupid. He gave me $10 and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think your boss is stupid? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home... He got handphone what, he can just call up to check lah, bodoh!!!"
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Sept 6, 2009 20:52:23 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 20:52:23 GMT 8
Can't You Just Love Me For Who I Am
This was written by a guy... it's pretty d**n smart. Girls -- Have a sense of humor! I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that pregnant dog knows I'm smarter than her
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Sept 6, 2009 21:02:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:02:36 GMT 8
Divorce Letter
Dear Wife: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers later that night.
You came home, nibbled at your food for two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me. Whichever is the case,,,,I'm gone.
Signed,
Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life! >------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
Dear Ex-Husband: Nothing has made my day more enjoyable than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a 'good man' is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. It's just too bad it doesn't work.
Yes, I did notice when you got a hair cut last week,,,and actually the first thing that came to my mind was 'You look just like a girl',,, but my mother raised me not to say anything at all if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your silk boxers were $49.99...
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for twenty million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you've always wanted.
My lawyer said with the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed: Rich As Hell and Freeeeeeeeeeee!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister 'Carla',,,was born named Carl. I hope that's not a problem for you.
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Sept 6, 2009 21:09:27 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:09:27 GMT 8
Ghost Talk
Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.
1st ghost : How u died?
2nd ghost : I died of cold.
1st ghost : How does it feel when you're dying in cold?
2nd ghost : Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not much sufferings.
1st ghost : You're so pityful....
2nd ghost : How about you? How did u die?
1st ghost : I died from heart attack.
2nd ghost : I see, why did u have a heart attack?
1st ghost : Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running,I got a heart attack and died.
2nd ghost : Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!!
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Sept 6, 2009 21:15:29 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:15:29 GMT 8
Proper Perspective
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Dorothy
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Sept 6, 2009 21:27:00 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:27:00 GMT 8
Ah Beng & Ah Huat
Ah Beng went to take night courses for the reason in future can get promotion or better job. During work, Ah Beng likes to show off to Ah Huat about his knowledge.
Ah Beng: Ah Huat ah... I've been taking night courses for 3 months already, next week is the exam.
Ah Huat: Oh... Good luck ah.
Then Ah Beng started show off...
Ah Beng: Ok, I test you, who is Graham Bell?
Ah Huat: Don't know
Ah Beng: He is the inventor of phone la... in 1876, see... if you take night courses, you would know this.
Ah Huat: ........................ *speechless*
The next day, Ah Beng shows off again...
Ah Beng: Ah Huat ah... let me ask you, who is Jean Jacques Rousseau? Ah Huat: Wash your toilet one ah? Ah Beng: No! He's the author of "Confessions", nah nah nah... told you already, if you take night courses, you would know this. Ah Huat: ......................... *speechless + frustrated*
The next day, once again...
Ah Beng: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas? Ah Huat: Your gay partner? Ah Beng: Choiii!!! If you don't know don't simply answer la. He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this. Ah Huat: ....................... *speechless + frustrated + irritated
This time Ah Huat cannot tahan (stand) anymore and ask Ah Beng...
Ah Huat: Eh... Do you know who is Ah Kaw? Ah Beng: Errrr... No! Ah Huat: He's the guy sleeping with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this!! Ah Beng: ........................ *fainted*
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Sept 6, 2009 21:29:41 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:29:41 GMT 8
Cyberchild
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
"You have a MALE!"
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Sept 6, 2009 21:34:16 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:34:16 GMT 8
Cheaper
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.
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Sept 6, 2009 21:40:25 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:40:25 GMT 8
Transportation Jokes I remember when I’m jus a P-plate driver, I rear ended a car one morning... I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF! He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy". I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?" That's when the fight started!!! *FYI…the others are either Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy, or Dopey So no choice I got to take MRT to work. Then i witnessed this incident in a train.... A mum was with a child who wouldn't stop screaming and crying boy: mummy mummy i wanna shee shee.... mum: boy boy wait, 2 more stations we go down already.... boy: cannot wait already shee shee comin out, shee shee coming out.... mum: kwai kwai la, 2 more stations we can go down already, very fast... boy: cannot cannot..... i wanna shee shee here.... mum: down here train la, cannot anyhow shee shee..... boy: can....i wanna shee shee inside your mouth...... mum: DUN anyhow talk nonsense hor young man.... who told you to speak like this ?... SO RUDE !! boy: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...... Why Daddy can and I cannot meh mum: ............. The rest of the passengers burst out laughing
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Sept 6, 2009 21:43:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:43:18 GMT 8
Let You Feel
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
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Sept 6, 2009 21:47:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:47:18 GMT 8
How Do You Know
Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don't want to stand out, so they decide to buy casual clothes. They've just hit the beach in loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them, she politely says, "Good afternoon, fathers."
Well, the men are amazed, because they can't understand how the woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she passes, she says, "How do you do, fathers?"
Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde, "Excuse me, ma'am. We're not ashamed of being priests, but how in the world did you know who we were?"
The blonde replies "Why, father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Catherine from the convent!"
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Sept 6, 2009 21:58:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Sept 6, 2009 21:58:05 GMT 8
Chicken War
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Your turn!!"
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