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Apr 7, 2009 23:00:22 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 7, 2009 23:00:22 GMT 8
ASSESSMENT
Dear MD,
While working with my manager, I have always found him
working hard and sincerely at his table without idling or
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He will always be
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chit-chatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that my manager should be
pushed to accept promotion,and a proposal to administration be
sent out as soon as possible.
Sd/-
PS: MY MANAGER WAS PRESENT WHEN I WAS WRITING THE REPORT TO YOU TODAY. KINDLY READ ONLY THE ALTERNATE LINES 1,3,5... (odd lines) FOR MY TRUE ASSESSMENT.
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Apr 14, 2009 22:58:21 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 22:58:21 GMT 8
Fresh Marriage Breakfast
Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott. "Toast and juice," replied Tracy.
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Apr 14, 2009 22:59:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 22:59:14 GMT 8
Sugar Cookies
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"
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Apr 14, 2009 23:02:09 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:02:09 GMT 8
No Ears
There was this man who was injured in a accident. And he was suffered from the amputation of both of his ears. And because of this he was very self-conscious about he having no ears. And because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. So he decided to have his own business. He went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer company firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided to hire someone to help him run the business. He picked 3 top candidates and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really like the guy. Then he ask the first candidate his last question, " Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy answer, " Now that you mention,you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first one. Again he conclude the interview with the same question, " Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The second guy also noticed it, he say, " Yes, you have no ears." The man got upset again and throw the guy out. Then came the third candidate, he was even better than the second one. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man ask the same question again, " Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied, " Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man asked, " Wow! That's perceptive of you! How you know?" The guy burst out laughing and said, " You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears."
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Apr 14, 2009 23:03:53 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:03:53 GMT 8
Curious Blonde
Passing an office building late one night, the blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs. The uniformed men proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door."Well," he snarled at the blonde, "What do you want?" "I just wanted to know why you can't ring it yourself."
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Apr 14, 2009 23:08:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:08:56 GMT 8
The Big Night
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents.
This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, 'come on in' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.
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Apr 14, 2009 23:10:04 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:10:04 GMT 8
Professor Has Unusual Lesson For Students
A professor stood before his class of 20 senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam. "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer break. So that no one gets their GP messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a "B" for the course."
There was much rejoicing amongst the class as students got up, passed by the professor to thank him and sign out on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Any one else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and took the offer.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all have "A's."
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Apr 14, 2009 23:15:36 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:15:36 GMT 8
Par For The Course ?
Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it's supposed to go.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.
The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other one is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over."
He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world."
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Apr 14, 2009 23:16:31 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:16:31 GMT 8
Self-Evident Truths About Pets
* Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
* A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
* An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
* Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
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Apr 14, 2009 23:18:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:18:07 GMT 8
The Drinker's Maxim
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints.
The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!"
The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar.
The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back....One, Two, Three.
"Two pints, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him.
Down they go....One, Two.
As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate."
So the barman fills the glass.
The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..."
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Apr 14, 2009 23:37:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 14, 2009 23:37:18 GMT 8
The Homework Schedule
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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Apr 16, 2009 23:58:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 16, 2009 23:58:35 GMT 8
Bad Relationships
Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,
"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.
"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
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Apr 17, 2009 0:00:42 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:00:42 GMT 8
A Lecture about English
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
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Apr 17, 2009 0:02:43 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:02:43 GMT 8
A Story Behind a Gun
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).
When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
"So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?"
"Not scared ..." Benny growled, "been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now".
"Oh yeah? ... so ...?"
"Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it", Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
"And since dat time I gotta do it dis way".
"But WHY?!", Louie finally demanded?
"Well, I was at da wedding", grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
"Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace!"
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Apr 17, 2009 0:04:33 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:04:33 GMT 8
Will I Live Longer ?
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
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Apr 17, 2009 0:07:21 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:07:21 GMT 8
Requesting a Three Day Pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
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Apr 17, 2009 0:13:17 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:13:17 GMT 8
Mistakes On a Resume
These are from actual resumes:
"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
"Number of dependents: 40."
"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."
RESUME BLOOPERS
"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
"I'm a rabid typist."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."
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Apr 17, 2009 0:15:49 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 17, 2009 0:15:49 GMT 8
A Parent's Terrors of Life
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down... Okay?
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphillis and there is no boyfriend in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter, Dorothy
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Apr 18, 2009 15:04:04 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:04:04 GMT 8
Osama
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel."
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Apr 18, 2009 15:06:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:06:05 GMT 8
Fluctuations
A tourist from China was traveling to New York City for a two week vacation. He went to the bank as soon as he arrived in order to exchange his Chinese money for American money. He gave the teller 1000 yuan, and the teller in turn gave him 150 dollars.
A week went by, and the tourist had used up his money, so he returned to the bank. He gave the teller another 1000 yuan, but this time the teller only gave him 125 dollars. Seeing the difference, the man angrily asked the teller in his broken English why last week he received 150 dollars for the same amount of money. The teller replied, "Fluctuations."
Flustered, the tourist responded, "Well fluck choo crazy Americans too!"
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Apr 18, 2009 15:10:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:10:02 GMT 8
Names
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
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Apr 18, 2009 15:11:47 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:11:47 GMT 8
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary (exactly) rike your ass."
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Apr 18, 2009 15:14:51 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:14:51 GMT 8
Sentence
The kindergarten class had to come up with a sentence using the colors green, pink, and yellow. So the teacher calls up every single kid in the classroom. But she forgot to call on the Samoan kid. So she asks him to please step up to the front of the class and recite his sentence. So the Samoan boy went up to the front of the class and said, "The phone went green green green. I pink up the phone and say yellow"!
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Apr 18, 2009 15:17:15 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:17:15 GMT 8
Haircut
There is this good ol' barber in some city in the US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Asian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and barber replies; "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a community service." The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there - a dozen Asians waiting for a free haircut...
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Apr 18, 2009 15:18:44 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:18:44 GMT 8
Alot More In My Country
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.
The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief. The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"
But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".
But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".
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