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Apr 18, 2009 15:24:19 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:24:19 GMT 8
Fart
A little old Asian lady goes to the doctor in China, and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much... my farts never smell, and they're always quiet. But I've been doing it very often."
The doctor asks her to explain more, and the old lady says, "In fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You probably didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and they're silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. "The next week the lady comes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Apr 18, 2009 15:25:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 18, 2009 15:25:50 GMT 8
Money Mind
During the ASEAN meeting, all PM of the ASEAN countries were present except for Goh Chok Tong who was represented by LKY.
During a conversation, Dr. Mahathir of Malaysia says, "I came up with a bright idea to produce Proton cars and with a initial investment of M$1 billion, we now make M$50 million a year. That is what I call Money Mind."
Mr. Suharto of Indonesia says: "I am going to start a car manufacturing plant to produce our National car for only $500 million RP and it will generate $50 RP million a year. Isn't that smarter."
LKY of Singapore was not impress and say, "I told my Land Transport Minister to spend SGD$500 to buy a old printing machine and also made SGD$50 million a year."
Everybody was taken aback and asks "What the f**k can you do with just SGD$500 only ?"
And LKY replied "I use the machine to print COE !!!"
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May 1, 2009 12:43:12 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:43:12 GMT 8
CONFESSION
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"
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May 1, 2009 12:44:29 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:44:29 GMT 8
SAME
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
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May 1, 2009 12:45:43 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:45:43 GMT 8
Freed Man
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they' re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, 'No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he' d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would' ve been a free man!'
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May 1, 2009 12:47:30 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:47:30 GMT 8
No 2nd Chance
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for 1000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for 150.'
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend 1,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only 150?'
The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'
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May 1, 2009 12:51:15 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:51:15 GMT 8
Entertainment Girlfriend
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
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May 1, 2009 12:55:39 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:55:39 GMT 8
Different Between Love, Lust & Marriage
LOVE - - when your eyes meet across a crowded room. LUST - - when your tongues meet across a crowded room. MARRIAGE - - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE - - when intercourse is called making love. LUST - - all other times. MARRIAGE - - what's intercourse?
LOVE - - when you argue over how many children to have. LUST - - when you argue over who gets the wet spot. MARRIAGE - - when you argue over money.
LOVE - - when you share everything you own. LUST - - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money. MARRIAGE - - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax. LUST - - when the relationship is over, if you don't climax. MARRIAGE - - what's a climax?
LOVE - - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday". LUST - - when you phone each other just to arrange sex. MARRIAGE - - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - - when you write poems about your partner. LUST - - when all you write is your phone number. MARRIAGE - - when all you write are checks.
LOVE - - when you show concern for your partners' feelings. LUST - - when you couldn't give a nuts. MARRIAGE - - when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - - when your farewell is "I love you darling ..." LUST - - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?" MARRIAGE - - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner. LUST - - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom. MARRIAGE - - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - - when your heart flutters everytime you see them. LUST - - when your groin twitches everytime you see them. MARRIAGE - - when your wallet empties everytime you see them.
LOVE - - when nobody else matters. LUST - - when nobody else knows. MARRIAGE - - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel. LUST - - when it's just the same mushy old nuts. MARRIAGE - - when you never listen to music.
LOVE - - when breaking up is something you try not to think about. LUST - - when staying together is something you try not to think about. MARRIAGE - - when just getting through today is your only thought.
LOVE - - when you're interested in everything your partner does. LUST - - when you're only interested in one thing. MARRIAGE - - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.
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May 1, 2009 12:57:16 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 12:57:16 GMT 8
Going To Be 3
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
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May 1, 2009 13:05:28 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:05:28 GMT 8
Impossible Final Exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.
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May 1, 2009 13:08:09 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:08:09 GMT 8
Fifty Fun Things To Do During An Exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"
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May 1, 2009 13:11:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:11:50 GMT 8
English Is Fun
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
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May 1, 2009 13:16:02 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:16:02 GMT 8
Consultation Fees
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
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May 1, 2009 13:23:29 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:23:29 GMT 8
Who Owns The Cows?
After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows."
"Don't worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "Sooner the cows will be ours!"
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May 1, 2009 13:26:00 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:26:00 GMT 8
Forgive Me
A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
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May 1, 2009 13:28:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:28:07 GMT 8
Confuse Traffic Signs
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
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May 1, 2009 13:32:11 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:32:11 GMT 8
Wife Wanted
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
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May 1, 2009 13:33:35 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:33:35 GMT 8
Condoms
A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a clerk for some help.
"Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?"
"Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I don't quite know what I should be getting."
"Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do you just fine."
"Why 3?", says the lad. "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one breaks," replies the clerk.
"Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad.
"That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of the week." says the clerk.
"Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad.
"Oh. You don't need that," says the clerk.
"Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical."
"Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."
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May 1, 2009 13:36:55 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:36:55 GMT 8
I Only Want ....
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I only want the person who pushed me in that water!"
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May 1, 2009 13:45:16 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:45:16 GMT 8
Punjab Airways
Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the four day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.
This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!
Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. (I presume that the other 50% were the terrorists themselves!!!) For the ones that don't quiet make it, Punjab Airways staff have all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Stewardesses Bubbly and Goldie will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.
If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off ! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits !
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!
We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television.
But for our movie buff, we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no-smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!
Life jacket are positioned under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to the uncles, for emergency jumps!
In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark !
Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.
And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a flight attendant for your suitcase.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the thingy pit.
Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways. HAVE A NICE JOURNEY.
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May 1, 2009 13:46:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:46:56 GMT 8
Made In Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
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Jazz
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May 1, 2009 13:53:57 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:53:57 GMT 8
Happy Whistle
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle."
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Jazz
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May 1, 2009 13:55:52 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:55:52 GMT 8
First Come, First Served
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three says, "Becoz menu say `first cum, first served!"
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Jazz
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May 1, 2009 13:57:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 1, 2009 13:57:14 GMT 8
Pepper Only
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)
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Jazz
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May 5, 2009 21:34:16 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on May 5, 2009 21:34:16 GMT 8
I Not Swallowing
Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.
First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!
Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"
First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.
First: "Darn it! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and swallow them all down!"
Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the seamen!"
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