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Apr 6, 2010 15:59:50 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Apr 6, 2010 15:59:50 GMT 8
Ah Beng Honda
Ah Beng bought a Honda Civic recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her.
So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post. "Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"
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Apr 7, 2010 22:02:54 GMT 8
Post by nobunaga on Apr 7, 2010 22:02:54 GMT 8
Ah Beng HondaAh Beng bought a Honda Civic recently and drove to Ah Lian's place to show it to her. So there Ah Beng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend. "This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!" "Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Lian. "Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!" So Ah Lian said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!" So Ah Lian took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator. The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post. "Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah! Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Beng. "Solee, solee, pai sah lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!" Dude where have you been man?
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Jul 12, 2010 0:22:47 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 0:22:47 GMT 8
EmbarrassmentAn Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying: Dear Dad Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. Your son, Nasser The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad: My dear loving son Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your Dad
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Jul 12, 2010 1:05:30 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:05:30 GMT 8
Blow Job
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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Jul 12, 2010 1:07:01 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:07:01 GMT 8
Divorce, Custody & Coca Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:
"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"
Don't laugh, he won!
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Jul 12, 2010 1:09:01 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:09:01 GMT 8
Photo
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Jul 12, 2010 1:12:46 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:12:46 GMT 8
One Wish
A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Jul 12, 2010 1:14:57 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:14:57 GMT 8
Wait For Police
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
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Jul 12, 2010 1:18:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:18:18 GMT 8
Sunday Morning Sex
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling. Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.' Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years Old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our Advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the Church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous , simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.' She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
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Jul 12, 2010 1:24:18 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:24:18 GMT 8
Spielberg Vs Chinese
O ne Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here." The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
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Jul 12, 2010 1:26:27 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:26:27 GMT 8
I Want To Be .......
Teacher ask children,what do u wish to do in future?
Ben: I want to be a pliot
Victor: I want to be doctor.
Jenny: I want to be mother.
John: I want to help Jenny.
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Jul 12, 2010 1:34:17 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:34:17 GMT 8
How To Avoid A Speeding Ticket
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a b1tch. told you I was speeding, too!
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Jul 12, 2010 1:42:45 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 1:42:45 GMT 8
Semen Count - Rated PG
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
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Jul 12, 2010 3:20:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:20:07 GMT 8
BMW
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fock me", says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything."
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Jul 12, 2010 3:22:48 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:22:48 GMT 8
Doctor's Advice
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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Jul 12, 2010 3:25:34 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:25:34 GMT 8
Wish
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled. Mrs. Jones is first. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows. Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings." "Okay, that shall be granted to you." The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows. Then comes Mr. Jones himself. "What do you wish for yourself?" "I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?" "Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable." "I would like 100 lashes instead of 50." The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
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Jul 12, 2010 3:27:58 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:27:58 GMT 8
Rectal Deodorant
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "YES!", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container... "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM!"
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Jul 12, 2010 3:29:56 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:29:56 GMT 8
Expiry Date
Wife: What are you doing? Husband : Nothing. Wife : Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ! Husband : I was looking for the expiry date.
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Jul 12, 2010 3:32:05 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:32:05 GMT 8
Old Boat
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." "Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."
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Jul 12, 2010 3:34:14 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 12, 2010 3:34:14 GMT 8
Entry Into Heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
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Jul 12, 2010 13:31:25 GMT 8
Post by Jon aka Takumice on Jul 12, 2010 13:31:25 GMT 8
haha.. i love ur jokes!!
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Jul 22, 2010 23:59:26 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 22, 2010 23:59:26 GMT 8
Ah Beng and the Genie - R Rated
Ah Beng was walking on the beach and he found a Genie's lamp. So he rubbed it and out came the Genie...
Genie: "Master! You have freed me. I shall grant you 3 wishes!"
Ah Beng: "Wah... I very lucky leh... Wah simi lan chiao mah ai! (I any c**k also want!)"
Genie:"Your wish is my command!"
At this point, there was a puff of smoke and millions of lan chiaos appeared all over Ah Beng's body! He got a shock... and he immediately said...
Ah Beng: "Wah lau eh! Wah simi lan chiao mah mai liao! (I any c**k also don't want oredi!)"
Genie: "Your wish is my command!"
At this point, there was a puff of smoke, and the millions of lan chiaos disappeared. So you think that's fine? Even his own lan chiao disappeared! Of course he wouldn't want to live out his life without his manhood. But he only had 1 wish left... and he had to wish carefully. So he thought for some time and said slowly...
Ah Beng: "Wah ai wah gu zha eh lan chiao. (I want my last time c**k.)"
Then there was a final puff of smoke... and he got his old lan chiao back. But it was the little thingy he had when he was a baby.
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Jul 23, 2010 0:08:10 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:08:10 GMT 8
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.
"Actually, I gave my costume to my brother, apparently he had the time of his life."
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Jul 23, 2010 0:16:19 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:16:19 GMT 8
Magic Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Jul 23, 2010 0:21:07 GMT 8
Post by Jazz on Jul 23, 2010 0:21:07 GMT 8
Finally Together
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they're finally together.
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs. "
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